I was almost asleep, just drifting through that half there - half here stage, when I felt compelled to get up and go open the window. The world has been stolen. Everything's covered in this grey mist and you get the feeling that if the scenery would be revealed again, you might be somewhere completely different. It's a strange feeling, being wrapped up in this soft gray fog, feeling the piercing coldness of it. Comforting and unsettling at the same time.

Just before this, when I was laying there, waiting for sleep to collect me, I had a concerning thought swimming around in my head. The purpose of this site, I think, was for me to be honest. But there lies the trap. Honesty is a very tricky thing. Let's say I would be brutally honest (what a fitting term if there ever was one) about everything I feel. How many people would that honesty have a possibility to shock or even hurt. Not to say that for me to be honest means being cruel, just that those private thoughts, might be private for a reason. Also, I'm not sure how comfortable I would feel laid out completely bare. I think my brain would refuse that. Self-editing is happening even now, without me thinking about it. No, I think absolute honesty might be too ambitious a goal, perhaps we could settle for a honest attempt at being honest? At this point in time, when no-one even knows this site exists, that seems easy enough to do. Although seemingly being honest with yourself might be one of those illusions, protecting you from hating yourself if you really saw behind it all.

You're thinking I should go to bed aren't you. I think I might. Next entry, I promise, will be less pretentious. Being honest with myself now, pretentiousness is one of my biggest faults. There, now I feel better.

Labels: my life

Suddenly the world has gone gray. You have to squint your eyes to be able to make out any blue in the sky. The nature is trying to fight back with turning into shades of yellow and red and orange. It's fighting a losing battle. The autumn is here and it makes me feel cold inside.

I've added some picture galleries. Very dubious pics of myself, Stu and our flat. But also lovely pics of little Elli Driscoll, now 9 months old, who lives with her mum Riina and brother Noa in Saffron Walden, Essex. Quite worryingly I have gone completely ga-ga over this baby, which everyone who knows me can tell is *so* unlike me. She's just the cutest thing I've ever seen. Well, look for yourself if you don't believe me.

In the future I'm hoping to be active enough to always have some current galleries online, so people who want to keep up with us, over there far away, can.

Labels: people

I'm tired. Tired of all the games. Tired of the power struggles. Tired of hidden agendas. Tired of keeping up appearances. Tired of being associated with myself. Tired of being real until it hurts. Tired of not belonging. Tired of wanting to be free. Tired of being smothered. Tired of being too sensitive. Tired of not being gentle enough. Tired of understanding. Tired of not understanding. Tired of being right. Tired of making assumptions. Tired of analysing. Tired of ripping to pieces. Tired of trying.

Can't I just hide in a cocoon somewhere. Me and my love. Safe from harm.

Labels: my life

Hullo.
This is all a bit scary actually. Have no idea what I'm doing, but here goes anyways. Supposedly wanting to do this must mean I have something of interest to say... Erm. Not so sure anymore. Shall we just call this a test post ok? Thank you.

Labels: my life