I feel quiet. I feel like I don’t have the energy for… explaining myself. The fact that most of life seems to be about being able to explain yourself to different people sometimes exhausts me and completely overwhelms me. When will they come up with the telepathic phone, that’s what I want to know. Music is the only thing that comes even close to conveying what you’re feeling. And even that falls short if there is no-one who would really listen.
This week has been all about dad so far. Saturday we went out for a meal to celebrate his birthday, sunday we went to get a bike for Stu from him and today I spent most of the day with him mostly practicing my (superbly crappy) reverse parking skills.
I see my (half) brothers about once a year. Well, actually, there’s nothing ‘about’ about it really: I see them once a year when it’s dad’s birthday. Usually it’s a bit awkward because of our age difference and the fact that we don’t see each other so often. This time around it wasn’t so bad actually. Suddenly they had grown up. They were no longer children. Vesa was 183cm tall. I mean, holy crap. Last year he was still just a kid. Anyways, I feel a bit relieved that they’re suddenly old enough not to feel weird around. When they were tiny I used to babysit them enough for Jannu, who is two years older than Vesa, to sort of develop a feeling that I was part of his life (I think). But Vesa was so young then that when things changed he sort of ‘forgot’ who I was supposed to be. I remember at my graduation how someone said something about his ‘sister’ to him and he looked completely flummoxed. And I suppose I’ve never really been very ‘good with kids’. It doesn’t really have anything to do me not liking kids, but more that I’m a bit afraid of them maybe? Children are unpredictable and painfully honest. And unless I spend a lot of time with them I don’t really know what to say to them.
Anyhow, at these birthday things, it was always difficult to know how to act. As my dad is present I automatically feel like the ‘child’ myself, but to them I always seemed like an another adult I suppose. And it was very difficult (for me) to know how to switch between those two roles. Now that they’re older it just feels so much more natural. We can talk about stuff on a similar sort of level, about music etc. It’s good. Hopefully in a few years’ time they’ll be old enough that they themselves would want to develop our relationships a bit further. We’ll see. And how cool is it that Jannu plays in a bad. They’d had a gig the night before and I felt all proud in a sisterly sort of way. Weird. New feeling.
But yeah, dad. Hmm. I wonder if I’m ever going to resolve all the feelings in that area. On DA, Mary was asking in her journal what kind of baggage people have in their life’s ‘suitcases’. Without really thinking about it too much I wrote this:
Hmm. Not quite sure how deep I would be willing to dig in that suitcase… but I suppose one of the heaviest things in there is my inability to completely trust anyone, especially men. Funnily enough, despite my father not really being there I’ve always had this almost blind faith in him, no matter how many times he has let me down. I think I’ve just projected all that mistrust onto other people in my life. I have to be in total control and absolutely able to depend on myself and only myself. I imagine that makes it very hard for any man who’s been with me to… well, feel like a man in the way that men need to.
I’ve only now started to see my father as human, not putting him on such a high pedestal… and perhaps even forgiving him. Hopefully these things are linked in a way that would make it easier for me to trust myself, if not completely then at least more, into someone elses hands.
Heh. And only after I’d written that did I remember something that happened today. I was driving and suddenly the brakes felt all funny and loose. We decided that we’d better get them checked out, and as I was freaking out over it I asked my dad if he would drive to the garage in case the brakes went completely or something. So he did. Now, dad’s eyesight has been going in the past years because of diabetes etc. and he can barely see to read and really should not be driving a car. So he asked me ‘Why did you rather trust me to drive the car knowing that I can hardly see?’. And I said. ‘Of course I trust you. You are my father’. 😐 Ok… blind faith vs seeing as a human… hello. I think I still have some work to do…
Well, this turned into a bit of a novel. Sorry about that. Just rambling inside my head more than anything.