Do you know that feeling when you’ve just come back from a trip, even just a short one, and you feel all disconnected from your routines and familiar surroundings? When it takes you a couple of days or even a week to get back to running your life normally. When you either want to prolong the holiday feeling by neglecting your diet for a few more days or not really concentrating on work properly. Or maybe just feel a bit depressed to be back and perhaps find it hard to get back to your social circles having missed the latest gossip. Well, imagine having that feeling *all the time*. There are times when I feel completely outside of it all. Outside of LIFE. Yeah, I have a wonderful job which allows me to travel monthly and to work from home most of the time. Unfortunately, it also means I never feel any sense of belonging. To anywhere. I don’t spend enough time in one place to get any sort of routines going and I don’t belong to any sort of ‘work community’ long enough to feel I have a social circle. I also find it extremely difficult to keep in touch with my friends. Most of the time I’m so ‘out of the loop’ that talking to my friends makes me feel even more excluded. Add on top of that the fact that as I spent half my time in another country (from either point of view), there’s only few people who can really relate to what I call real life. Well, my life. Not so sure about the real part.
Oh yes indeed, today I’m mainly feeling sorry for myself.
I feel irritated. At myself mainly. For not being able to get a grasp of anything. I just float from week to week until it’s time to change countries again. Then I feel momentarily alive. Having to force myself into an office routine is like a shock to the system. But pretty soon I start missing home, counting the hours, wondering what I’m doing away from my love. Then back at home, few days of tired euphoria, and it starts all over again. Over and over. Not really getting ahead. Not really connecting with anything.
Don’t get me wrong. If I was asked to do things differently, I probably wouldn’t. This is just one of those days. On the outside.