The weekend was rather rainy and miserable so the obvious choice was to look for comfort in friends such as fish & chips and ben & jerry’s… I do feel like I’ve completely overdone it though, feeling very ugh at the moment.

Perhaps it was the high fat content or the thud thud thud of rain on the windows but my mind was running around in circles all Sunday. I got this sudden panicky feeling that my life’s completely out of control and that I don’t know what to do in order to feel on top of it again. It’s weird… when that mood strikes I start wondering if I live in a complete fantasy world most of the time. Like, in my head I know there are things I need to sort out, but I always have this strange faith that everything will somehow work out for for the best in the end. And I have such faith in my abilities to get what I want out of life. I like to believe I’m a person who makes things happen. And yet there are things I’ve been putting off for 10 years, and I’m almost 30 and I still don’t have a pension, nor do I know where I want to live etc… I hate the feeling of maybe seeing behind my own illusion of ‘everything working out’. And at the same time I know that when this feeling passes I’ll once again feel like there’s nothing I can’t overcome and that optimism of being able to sort everything out returns. BUT, is that the reality or the illusion? Yes, that is the question…

Work is feeling especially pointless today but I suppose I’ll have to soldier on.