Feeling very anxious again. I had trouble sleeping last night, couldn’t switch my head off. Or not so much my head but this overpowering feeling of sadness. I don’t know… My thoughts run in a circle and I feel completely powerless. I feel like I’m losing focus on who I am.
What was lovely about going to Finland this time around was the sense of space and calmness. It was just what I needed right now. Now that feeling is already slipping through my fingers and there’s no way of holding on to it. For me the essence of Finland is in the simplicity of things, the open spaces, simple architecture, the feeling of having enough room around you to really breathe properly. On the other hand, those are precisely the things that drive me out of Finland, the things that make me feel bored and restricted, and give me a sense that I’m missing out on something. In the UK I love the richness of everything, the crazy mish mash of intricate details everywhere, the mix of cultures, the hustle and bustle of people, the pace and the opportunities. At the moment I just don’t know whether my personal speed is really in sync with the life I’m living here at the moment. I yearn to slow down, to have time for my thoughts and ideas, to really concentrate on something that interests or fulfills me, for more than a few stolen moments here and there. I carry around with me this overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction and I don’t really know how to fix it.
I should get back to work now. Although, to echo Marvin, ‘What is the point of it all…’.